Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Why I have to escape sometimes

I have an confession to make...I hate being at home. I'll do whatever is needed not be be there. It's not like I totally hate my family or anything, it's just that well, the house is too small and confined.

Here's the thing. The house I live in was not built to house more than a family of three-maybe four at the most. At the most, there is about six people currently living there. Needless to say, the good times never end at my house.I like my house;it has character.

I guess the reason why I stay way from home so much is because I like being out doing stuff even if the stuff in question is lounging around and reading a book.I mean it's not like I've completely moved out.Nope, my clothes are still there and my mail still goes there.My house is just a boring place to be.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Am I not good enough to marry?

I love my boyfriend. I love him to death. The only problem is that he does want to commit. Or rather, he's commited to me but not really commited to me. What do I mean? Well, I'll explain.

Den and I have been dating for five years now exclusively and yet, he won't propose. Hell, he won't even talk about our future together.When I question him about why he won't propose, he gives me one of the following lovely responses:

1. It's not on his list of goals.
2. I can't force him to do anything until he's good and ready cause he's a man and men make their own decisions.
3. Why ruin what we have now by doing something crazy like get married ?
4. We go on trips and I buy you stuff, isn't that enough?
5. Why are you being so materialistic? (when I ask about getting an engagement ring)

Friends say I should leave him because he's never gonna take the plunge and marry me, that he'll just keep messing with my head forever.I love him a lot but part of me also thinks I've gotten too comfortable being in a relationship and I'm scared of being alone.I just get tired of feeling like he's only wants me around because it's convenient and safe and he's just waiting around until he finds someone better.

My self esteem is screwed up enough as it is without having seeds of self-doubt planted in my head.Is he with me bcause he can't find anyone else? Is he just settling? Am I good enough to fool around with,but not good enough to marry?Is that what this all comes down to, being that girl he fools around with but not the one he spends the rest of his life with?

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Why do I always have to be "the good girl?"

I went to church today and it was a combination of homecoming and the church anniversary. Anywho, my brother and cousin(both who have totally severed ties with the church)show up and it's like God and Jesus came down for a visit. Now I know what you're thinking...girl, you sound bitter. Well, I'm not okay...not really...okay, maybe...a little bit.

My whole thing is how can you commend someone when they have walked away from you and made no effort to come back? My mom told me that the whole reason everyone was behaving like that was because they missed them. Whatever! I think it just really made me ill how everyone came up and hugged them and adored them. (Excuse me while I lie down for a minute;all the sweetness sent me into sugar shock.)

Okay-I'm back.

So, at the end of the day, what did I learn? That if you go away, you will recieve a hero's welcome and if you're lucky, the big piece of chicken and an extra piece of pie.That is unless, you're like me and my mom.

See, we're the quiet ones. You know the type,the ones who do all the behind the scenes work at church like folding programs and stuff. I have finally come to the realization that I could leave, get married, have kids, be gone for twenty years and come back with not even one person noticing I was ever even gone.

Isn't that the saddest thing in the world to know? Yes, but sometimes, the truth is a whole lot easier to hear than a lie.

So it all comes down to one question? Why do I have to be "the good girl?" Why do I always have to do what is expected of me? Would it be a crime to want to break the rules every once in a while? Maybe the problem is that I let myself be put into this role of always doing the right thing.Then again, I'm not nearly as innocent as people think I am,so for now, I'll have to be satisfied with knowing just how bad I really am.

Friday, October 24, 2003

I ran into an old boyfriend the other day. We had broken up years ago and in the back of my mind,I always wanted him to forever carry a torch for me.He works at Wal-Mart.

Anyway, we had a light conversation in which he told me that he wished he had married me instead of his wife.

Why do people say things like that? Why do people sometimes speak before they think?

I mean, he was a nice guy and all, but he was crazy.
I know what you're thinking,"everybody's crazy". No, I mean certifiable crazy. We'd be out together, walking in the park and having a romantic moment and then, he'd start quacking.

You read right...quacking. Like a big, six foot three duck.Needless to say, it was so not the best of times.

I don't know.I mean, I did want him to still want to be with me, pine over me, stalk me, whatever, but when I found it to be true, I was kind of confused.

I mean why do you say things like that-what's the point? Do you hope that things will go back as they were? Surely you don't expect all the years to disappear as well as your wife;that's just wrong.

When I met T., he was 21, I was 19. He worked two jobs, one at Wal-Mart,the other at the mall as a janitor.I was working at the hospital as a hospitality hostess(fancy word for dinner tray passer).He was nice but he was crazy.

End of topic.

Maybe I should just let it go. Yeah, definitely gonna let that go.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Being a grown-up is too hard

The statement was once made that you don't miss what you had until it's gone; I now know this to be true.
There are so many things I miss about being a kid that I appreciate at 24.

Here's a few things I miss:

I miss being a kid and not having responsibility.
I miss hanging out with friends during the summer all day long and then hearing my mom yell for us to come in when the streetlights came on.
I miss walking home from school on a warm spring day.
I miss running after the ice cream truck and paying with pennies.
I miss naps in the middle of the day.
I miss childhood friends (you know, the friends you had before people became popular, formed cliques, and left you behind).
I miss field trips that lasted most of the day.
I miss recess and trying the swing higher than anyone had ever swung before.
I miss the innocence of not knowing how the world really is.
I miss coming home to my grandma standing in the kitchen over a big pot collard greens.
I miss Valentine Day parties and Christmas parties where everyone got a gift/valentine.
I miss getting a new Easter Dress for church.
I miss believing that the world was infinite and that I could be whatever I wanted to be.
I miss mom making grilled chesse sandwiches and soup on cold days.
I miss when MTV actually showed music videos all day and shows occassionally.
I miss not having bills.
I miss not feeling appreciated.
I miss all the people that have passed on and all the wisdom that they gave me but I ingored.
I miss not being in certain situations again;I'd know exactly what to do/say now.
I miss having heroes.
I miss being able to walk to the corner store without the fear of being grabbed or talked to by strange men.
I miss having a dollar and thinking I was the richest girl in the world.
I miss...I miss...I miss.

Being a grown-up is too hard. I want to go back to being a kid, if only for a little while.

There's always too much to do and not enough time to do it. Bills never end, you never make enough money.
Even relaxing seems only temporary.

Another sign of being a grown-up comes when you find out that the elementary school you went to changed its name.It makes me sad because I still call it by the old name and people have no clue what I'm talking about.

I guess in the end, we're all really big children, only the playgrounds are bigger, the stakes are higher, and the social circles are larger. Still, I'd like to reclaim a little of my childhood innocence, if only for a brief moment.

Embrace your childhood cause once it's gone, it's gone for good.

Trying too hard

Sometimes I wonder if people who are trying too hard even realize that they're doing it.
You know the type: the people who always attempt to talk to everyone, even when they have nothing to say.The odd thing is that with these people, I've started waiting to see how long it's gonna take before they start a conversation with me. The conversation usually goes like this.

"Have you seen "title"?"
"No,I haven't."
"Well, I heard it was good."
"Oh,okay."
As you can gather from this conversation, I'm big on talking.

All I'm saying is don't try so hard because when you do, everyone knows it.It's like you just shot a flare gun in a church during a prayer.
Yep, it's that obvious.